Are We Still Searching for a Better Father?

There's was an obvious level of terror when Melissa and I packed our entire lives into box to move to Idaho. I had been out for a short visit, and all she had to go on was a few pictures and my very detailed description of, "It's pretty!"

Recently I discovered that another gentleman (that seems way too pompous, but I'm gonna allow it), somewhere in Idaho, has been blogging about his experiences here in the "Gem State." While he doesn't seem to be a dad, he often talks about things that speak to me in different ways. Like me, he moved from a much larger city to the slow paced life somewhere in what I assume is the Boise area. Also like me, he seems to be struggling to adapt to certain aspects of being in an area that can feel out of touch with the rest of the world.

Truthfully, some of what he talks about on his website is just untrue. Sadly though, it's easy to convince people that life in Idaho is some form of black and white cartoon centered around a potato. People in Idaho know what the internet is, and I even saw our Governor take what I'm certain was an iPhone out of his straw hat, check the time, and put it in his overalls. Life here is not all that different from them big fancy cities.

One thing does tend to irritate me about many of the people here - sometimes I feel unwelcome. While I find the idea that Idaho needs to "catch up" with the rest of the world to be a little short-sighted, the very concept of a stay-at-home dad is still perplexing to some people in this state. I think much of it comes from religious points of view. The idea that the woman's role is in the household, but there has to be more to it than that.

It doesn't really bother me that people around here find it a little odd that I'm the one at home with the kids. What bothers me is their need to bring attention to it. As a man in an area that does not seem to understand that fathers are also parents, it's hard to find the balance between being offended by people who seem to look down on fatherhood, and not caring at all what they think. It's not okay that people ask Melissa why she is not the one at home. It's not okay that people ask me if I'm having a "day off with the kids" and then give me the most confused look when I explain that I'm a stay-at-home dad. I wish that confusion was limited to this state.

I don't feel a big connection to many of the dad bloggers I've come across, but that has a lot to do with me not trying that hard to make the connections. Still, I've come across some great sites and done a lot of reading and one thing I've seen discussed a lot is that  dads are too often forgotten in the parenting world. There are still people who want to perpetuate the idea that fathers can't be every bit as involved in the lives of their children as mothers. There are still people out there who feel like something must be wrong with Melissa and I because our "roles" are not reversed. There seems to be a nation-wide level of complacency to commercials, clothing, greeting cards, movies, TV shows, and more, all portraying dads as not only less important than mothers to kids, but fundamentally stupid when it comes to our children. We are supposed to be good with a hammer, not a hug. Good with a lawn mower, but not a frying pan. This has sadly become a common ideal in the minds of many people, and I really have to thank the amazing group of dad bloggers who have pushed issues of unbalanced views of fatherhood into the light. People are way too passive about underselling the role of a father.

See, there's not much poking fun at moms going around. That's a good thing, but I do think it's time for people to stop pretending that dads are some sort of mute sidekick when it comes to parenting. Great fathers are everywhere, and I think most people are aware of that. So I'm confused at the companies who make efforts to pretend otherwise. What more can fathers do to stop the negative image for the people come up with this crap? How is it that with many great figures of fatherhood around, people are still searching for a better father?

Fun little exercise, open up your eyes a little wider when shopping, watching TV, or even reading parenting materials. It becomes surprising how many commercials paint a picture of the lost dad who needs mom to save the day. You'll hear things like, "dad-proof" or "mother approved." You'll read that "even dad can get involved with this!" or "you'll be surprised to know that there are things we can learn from dad!" or "it's okay to let dad push the stroller even though he doesn't understand how to dress your child." Let's not forget the amazing "parenting" books that have a "special chapter just for dad." It's quite sad, as a father, to need to defend your commitment to your children to faceless corporations and strangers who have turned fatherhood into a joke. A big thank you to the dads and  parenting blogs out there, fighting for our real place in the lives of our children.

Not every dad is perfect, but that applies to moms as well. Sorry world, but there's a lot of great dads around. Our bad.

What Kind of Child are you Raising?

Earlier this week I was on the phone with a friend of mine. We were catching up as best we could; we're both stay-at-home-parents. At one point in our conversation I had mentioned that I had been awake quite a while since it was trash day and I had forgotten to set everything out the night before. Just a few minutes later William, my little non-talker, was proudly announcing, "I took out the trash!" He's been doing that 50 times a day ever since. It amazing what kids can pick up.

Years ago I was talking with a friend who had two kids in middle school. We had a very common conversation for people who are growing up, which was more or less how things have changed and what that means for our kids as they grow up.

Many reports indicate that overall, violence in schools has been on the rise since the 90's. I can't help but wonder if it is mere coincidence that the world wide web was introduced in this same time frame. It would make a lot of sense, wouldn't it? People love the heck out of statistics and when you talk about incidents of violence or bullying in schools across the country, you must also take into account that there are more ways to be violent or bully than ever before. Kids today have to deal with a level of controlled evil, that I just don't remember from my youth. I saw social exclusion and the types of mean acts that all kids I grew up with saw or experienced at some point in their lives, but that has nothing on kids today. Kids today are smarter about being mean; they have found ways to be hateful almost anonymously through places like facebook and twitter, and quite frankly this has led to adults becoming generally numb to something that truly is an issue. So it becomes a little difficult to talk about how different kids were "in my day" and not bear in mind that parents back then did not have to deal with these issues on these levels. My mom didn't need to worry about what horrible things were being posted on facebook by kids from my school. My dad didn't need to keep an eye on text messages I had been sending or receiving. Sadly, with all these great advances in technology, we've also invented cyber-bullying, because being a jerk in person just isn't enough some times. This is the world our kids are growing up in.

Now I'm not blind to the fact that things happened when I was in school. My sophomore year of high school alone we had two pregnancies, three fights large enough to require authorities, and an incident involving a girl who brought a gun to school...and ended up shooting herself in the leg on accident. I was a geeky, short kid with bright red hair...of course I had incidents of getting bullied. So while there seems to be a clear problem within our schools, what I don't understand is how little seems to really get done in an effort to fix the issues. It's not that schools are making no effort at all, but I've seen first hand how schools get their hands tied by the most minimal outside pushback.

The other day I think I stumbled on to what I think is really the foundation of this problem. Eventually the bully from your school, grows up and raises some kids.

Recently I got the whole family out of the house to a bit of a gathering. It was one of the first times we went somewhere that we knew there would be lots of other kids, and I was pretty excited about it. I know the boys love to go places where other kids are around, but honestly, it can turn into a bit of a nightmare. Now there was one particular family around who I really didn't know that well. I've seen the dad of the family various times over several years now. We have the type of relationship where I'd gladly say hello if I saw him at the grocery store, but our families won't be spending any Christmas dinners together. We may not be close because we don't find ourselves in enough situations to really get to know each other, or it may be because I've determined during each time I'm around him that he is in fact a jackass. It's not like he's unable to be a nice guy, and I've noticed that if you're on his good side that you tend to not be much of a target for his "funny" little comments and general attitude. Still, he's got this quality (particularly when you first meet him) of massive superiority. Hey, I'm all for self-confidence but that can certainly go too far. So perhaps it should have been no surprise that his children (who are still pretty young) were acting in a similar manner. One even went so far as to stop what he was actively doing to take a ball away from a little girl because it was his. Awsome McCooldad was a little too invested in his beer to bother correcting his son. I really hope that when William reaches this kid's age in another three years or so that he's no longer in the "that's mine" phase.

So this brings me to what I'd really like to talk about. and it was best described to me like this, "bullies raise bullies."

I like the big picture idea there which is more along the lines of "you raise yourself."

Read the little bit at the top again. Kids are perceptive beyond what we give them credit for, and it's easy for someone like me with a child that is not talking every second of every day, to dismiss the idea that he's paying attention to what I'm saying; all based on the fact that he doesn't repeat every little thing he hears me say. Likewise it's stupid to think that Carter, my sweet little man, doesn't take note of the times I get angry versus the times I keep calm and correct whatever might be wrong. The problem is that we as parents spend a huge part of our lives learning to be who we think we "are" or who we "want to be" and then kids come along. Too many parents do nothing or wait too long to adjust who they are around their kids. Kids get their influence from everything around them, but despite this overwhelming stance by parents to point fingers at everyone else in their children's lives, it always starts at home.

So is it wrong to do things like drink, use bad language, smoke, eat unhealthy things, or show forms of aggression around our kids? Is it wrong to partake in anything that might contradict the perfect little angels we are trying to raise? It's probably not wrong, but the question I'm asking here is can't we take some responsibility in how our children react to that exposure? There was a recent video that went at least semi-viral that showed a father driving his kids to school. They all sang along to Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" and comment after comment was made about how great of a dad he clearly was due to nothing more than his kids knowing the words to a song from a past generation. You know what? He might be a great dad, but isn't it a little dumb to make that decision based on song selection? Would we have seen the same reaction if it was a Marilyn Manson song? Bob Marley? Justin Bieber? Shouldn't the discussion deal with having a great time with your kids during the short drive to school? Perhaps the look of joy on the kids' faces as the sang along with dad during what was clearly not the first time? I hope my kids will judge my parenting abilities by more than amount of classic rock played for them as they grow up.

Psychologists, when dealing with cases of abuse or teen pregnancy, often talk about "breaking the cycle." This idea that these types of situations are genetically handed down seems like total crap, but the truth is that kids learn from their parents. You can hardly make it through the door of a doctor's office before someone is asking about your family history. You can't outrun your family, and your children will never outrun their family. So the most we can do for our kids is to give them a little more "role model" and a little less "idol." Try to be the person that you want your children to grow up to be, not just the cool guy.

So if we are just raising ourselves...

What kind of child are you raising?

BATTLE OF THE SEXES!

You know you want my opinion on it. Who does the better job at home, the man or the woman? Well get ready for the wintery fresh scent of disappointment, because not only is that the most loaded question since, "Do you think O.J. did it?" but I happen to believe that it's a total crap question. So what then, could possibly have sparked me to talk about this at all?

Here's the thing, I like to believe myself creative enough to not need "ideas" from somewhere else. I don't want to do a search on the top 10 blog topics and just give my own input on it. There's probably gonna be a time when I'll need to go all Mythbusters with this and take suggestions or answer questions, and for the record, always feel free to ask questions. I'll do my best to answer them truthfully and as quick as I can. Till I can get an email link permanently here, my facebook page dedicated to this blog (http://www.facebook.com/TheDadLifeBlog) has a message option. If I have enough to say on the matter, I'm sure it'll wind up here. However, till my mind becomes as equally blank as those of the girls on Teen Mom, I'd like to come up with my own stuff. Sometimes though, I can't help but be directly...inspired?...by a topic I see somewhere else.

Which brings me to a time right before Mother's Day. I read this blog from a Dad. I really, really don't want to post it. I don't want to give him any more traffic to the page than he has already received. I'm happy to give you the idea though. The guy decided that Letterman wasn't giving the world enough Top 10 lists, so he took it upon himself to list 10 things "Mothers do better than Fathers." Ugh. Oddly enough, the large number of Dads who read this on a blog about being a Dad, were slightly to medium slightly upset, and the wildfires were set. I can see why, but it's all very stupid. First off, I'm a big user of blanket statements. I say things all the time like, "Fruit is delicious." or "I'm awesome." though I don't believe either of those statements to be 100% true. I don't like pineapple enough to call it delicious and I had kidney stones before and that wasn't awesome at all (and yet people always laugh when I tell the story, my friends might be a little mean). However, if you're going to use a blanket statement about "Group A" is better than "Group B" it really needs to be the absolute truth. That's why all those "#1 Dad" mugs and shirts are a sham. Did you know you can just get those at the store? There's not like some sort of validation process for them. You can even buy them if you don't have kids! You can even buy them if you're a woman! Second, there's just no way the guy who wrote it could possibly believe what he said applies to all fathers. I mean, people are smarter than that, right*?

I'm not interested in getting all up in arms over his general statements about my ability to do things like - hugging, cooking, and changing diapers. All things from the list. I have a hunch that says this guy probably started out with very specific intentions. Basically, I'm guessing that his list was originally called "10 Things I Can Say To Up My Chance of Having My Wife Touch My Bing-Bong Tonight." Hopefully it worked, cause I imagine the outcry of negative comments from those who read it, must have kept him busy for a while afterwards. Seriously, making that kind of list privately for your wife as a way to say how much you appreciate everything she does (I mean, it was right before Mother's Day) is nice, romantic even. Posting it for the world with that kind of title implies that he believes his specific shortcomings are a world wide pandemic. I doubt he honestly thinks that all Dads are simply too stupid to put on a diaper correctly.

So are there any major factors that differ for men and women who stay at home with the kids? Parents of any kind at all? I looked into it, and well, there's breastfeeding. I think most men could agree that women hold the skills in that department. Outside of that, the feedback will always depend on the individual person. Someone once told me that as a guy, I'll probably deal better with being by myself for long periods of time. Yeah, you're thinking, "He's never alone, those two super cute boys are always around!" It's true, but anyone who has ever been a stay at home parent for a decent length of time can understand the thought. Stay at home parents deal with an amazing amount of isolation. It's lonely when your main outlet of conversation doesn't really talk back much. So, any truth to that idea? Who knows! The lovely thing about statistics is that if you want something that fully supports your point of view, it's there, and so are all the points against you. The reason? Everyone handles things in their own way. That's why no survey asking these types of questions has ever produced a 100% unanimous return. Want a survey that will pull up the same answer for ever person? Ask if they believe they are exactly the same as every other person on the planet. It's because people let their own experiences shape the way they do everything in life that you simply can't argue that gender plays any role in a person's abilities as a parent. It will always come down to the individual.

SO WHO IS IT? Who's better? Men or Women? In a time when I see women posting stories about how men will never understand how much a stay at home Mom does during the day, shouldn't I, a walking example of understanding, be able to stand up and say how outdated that kind of talk is, and how much it really does bother me? Of course! But it takes away from the bigger picture. We are all parents. That's gonna be my new favorite thing to say. While it's obvious that some people struggle with parenting far more than others, it has absolutely nothing to do with having or not having a vagina.

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I like hockey. A sport that seems tremendously unpopular to TV audiences in the US, but in recent years one big change happened. A couple young superstar players started catching the eyes of the ladies. Yep, hockey (a sport filled with battered men wearing fake teeth) was sexy. In the middle of this new wave of popularity were two players, Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin. People had a great deal of opinions on both players, and the teams they played for, but the real story was THE RIVALRY! Oh boy, the media loved how these two kids were so popular and so talented, which made the obvious story how much they hated each other. Which....and get ready to have your minds blown...was completely made up! "What Ev?! You mean the media lied to us? That's absurd!" If the idea that a bunch of people who absolutely need viewers, would lie in order to get said viewers, is just too much for you...go walk it off, it's gonna be okay. Come on back when you're ready.

And that, is exactly what seems to be running around the blogging universe like pot at a Dave Matthews Band concert. Moms against Moms, Dads against Dads, Moms against Dads, Moms and Dads against Hipsters. (Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria.) All of it driven by some "man behind the curtain" that wants so very much for the arguments to continue so the heavy traffic gets him that crazy internet money.

This idea that there needs to be tension or competition between men and women who are all just trying to raise their kids, is so dumb that I might cry myself to sleep on my tiny portion of the bed. A "war" between Mothers of any kind and Fathers of any kind makes about as much sense as a "war" between a one pound bag of sand and 10 sheets of paper (my money's on the sand). I really wish some people could get past all the made up crap and petty arguments. Stop buying into something that isn't there. If, as parents, you really need to go pick fights against someone, why not pick the government? We absolutely do less in this country for new/to-be Moms and Dads than any country who shares a similar economic status. Period. Why not pick those anonymous people behind these websites who thrive on and promote conflict?

So while we're all bickering behind our computer screens on places like facebook and parenting sites about why you simply must breastfeed your baby, why males just don't get how much work goes into maintaining a clean house, and the pros and cons of sleeping on the tummy/back/in bed with the parents/upright near a picture of Peter Frampton, let's try to remember: We are all parents. Every book I've ever read about parenting states that there is not one, singular, correct, way to do it. The fact that there's arguments at all should be enough to figure out that no one has it figured out.

Let's cut each other some slack here. Except for those self-righteous cloth diapering jerks**.



*So I went back because I found out he made a follow up, trying to address the overwhelming outcry of hate comments. I found that it did nothing to address the most basic problem which to me is, "Hey I really messed up the title of it."  He admits that he's quite new to blogging and didn't mean to offend anyone.

**Good lord! Joke! Love you Kimmie!