Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I've got good tone...FIRING!

 The heat seeking missile is a pretty damn impressive piece of engineering. Developed in California in the 50's, the idea was to use electromagnetic radiation emissions from a given object to track and follow that object. All the while, it needed to be able to discern the pattern of what it was supposed to be following from other objects in the area, so the concept of filtering the emissions within the infrared spectrum and locking on to a specific frequency when fired was developed as well. Just as interesting and perhaps sinister, is that when they made the missiles in the 50's they were made with the specific amendment of being easily upgradeable. It's perhaps like selling a cell phone with the specific intent to make one the next year that is "drastically better."

My oldest son has a habit of kicking me in the balls.

One time it was actually pretty bad. To the point where I woke up in pain the night after it happened. Now, as a man who has seen every episode of House ever*, I'm aware of what testicular torsion is AND what the outcome can be. Perhaps knowing this is what led me to decline medical attention. I should note that our second child was conceived AFTER this event and while my wife was on birth control, so not only am I certain that I still work...but the kick may have given me groinal super powers.

The thing that really gets me, well the pain is the thing that really gets me, but the other thing that really gets me is his aim! No matter what direction he is facing, no matter the distance from his foot to my crotch accessories he is able to make impact with astonishing accuracy. One time he kicked me while he was eating lunch in the kitchen and I was upstairs using the bathroom, with the door closed and locked! That actually happened!**

I guess what I'm saying here is this:

Heat seeking missile: Able to use a heat signature to track and ultimately destroy an enemy target. Existed for about 60 years. Cost of roughly $300,000 or should you choose to factor in the jet used well over a million dollars.

Child: Existed for centuries. Assuming all children possess this amazing gift (everything I've heard from other people with children seems to confirm this), able to use visual confirmation to lock onto a specific area of a target and ultimately, well I'm just gonna stick with destroy, that target. Cost of roughly $200,000 to raise.***

Man, it seems like we should be able to get more out of $300,000.

*While this is factual, I am still a medical novice. Should you choose to ask me for medical advice, do so at your own risk.


***Please keep in mind that this is all jokingly said (all my research is pretty sound though), as is much of what I say. In no way do I support the idea of launching toddlers into enemy territory to kick people in the jingle sacs.

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